Now that you’ve entered into the parenting realm, it’s a guarantee that you’ve mastered a skill that you never imagined would occupy your time. You’re likely so good at it that it’s a shame to keep it off of your resume. I too came to this realization as I wielded a Q-tip through the slots of a computer modem, removing the remaining remnants of the smoothie that was poured over it. The art of cleaning up after toddlers, now that’s a fine skill to be proud of!
I asked my husband, “Now that you are a parent, you are an expert at (what)?”
My husband claims to be an expert in all things poop. His nose can pick up a whiff of waste from a different household floor. He even claims that each baby facial expression during the act indicates what type of poop he will find in the diaper. A hard one, a soft one, a green one – it’s a practiced art. With having been peed on in the first 24 hours of being a Dad, this parenting scouts badge should not have come as a surprise to me.
My family had some interesting answers too!
My Mom indicated she is “an expert at taking care of my grown children’s pets after they move into a dorm or a boyfriend’s place.” I could hear her grumbling as my sister choked on a nervous laugh! I do remember my Mom also being very practiced at having a split personality (which I have thankfully adopted and hope to perfect soon). She could be furious with one of us one moment, a venomous tone that could freeze and petrify, and then next minute, cool as a cucumber, answer the phone with a calm, collected voice, “Hi Susan, so glad you called!”
My Dad was always skilled at fixing broken toys and electronics. He must have been an expert with patience as well while he removed a grilled cheese sandwich from the VCR. Now that his kids are grown and gone, he claims to be an expert at relaxing but the jury may still be out on that one!
My sister-in-law is an expert in all things baby food! She was always a great chef but now the meals are of a frozen green bean variety. What accompanies this skill is my brother’s ability to Tetris his way through the freezer to get to his meaty portions.
The hilariousness of the answers I came across were so great that I pursued more!
Friends of mine indicated their amusing expertise avenues:
“I’m an expert at finding the bathroom in shopping malls, immediately”
“I’m an expert at sewing a stuffed animal’s ear back on over and over and over”
“I’m an expert at eating cold supper”
“I’m an expert at sharing slobbery sippy cups”
“I’m an expert at memorizing children’s books and spouting them off by heart”
“I’m an expert at contradicting myself.”
“I’m an expert at getting full from imaginary food”
“I’m an expert at wondering why my kids are always talking”
“I’m an expert at turning away from my kids when they are in trouble because I’m silently laughing”
“I’m an expert at having my own temper tantrums”
“I’m an expert at admitting I was clueless before I had kids – a TV is not a babysitter, KD is not food, kids should never backtalk”
“I’m an expert at holding down my child with an arm and leg to give them medicine”
“I’m an expert at ignoring siren imitations while driving”
“I’m an expert at finding terrible hiding places during hide-and-go-seek”
“I’m an expert at deluding myself into thinking I’ll clean the house tomorrow”
I asked my husband, “what am I an expert in?”
He responded, “ you’re an expert in everything other than negotiations. When the kids ask for a cookie and you say you can only have half of a cookie, they are winning, Marn.”
I also pondered what my kids will say when they are older. This evening they likened me to a “Sharptooth,” the Tyrannosaurus Rex from the Land Before Time collection, while running away cackling. Perhaps I’m an expert at non-threatening dinosaur imitations – a truly lost art!
If you’re a practised raspberry-belly-blower or invisible-tea-party-host, please share your gifts with us! Who knows, you may be the best favourite-toy-locator in the world and you never knew it!